I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
