someone threw a dead crab at me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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