Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
