you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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