FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
