i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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