So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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