dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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