That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
