I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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