Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
