I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
