Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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