Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
