we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
