mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
