bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!