I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
