end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
