If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
