plz talk dirty to me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
