Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
