see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
