he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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