I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
