oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
