we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
