Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
