Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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