I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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