Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
