i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
