3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just fell off a train. Bad.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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