I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
