just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
