I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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