You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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