forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
