you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
