Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
