Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
