dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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