Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
