True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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