During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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