I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
