This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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