i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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