Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize