Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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