she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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