I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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