Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
