Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
