Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
