I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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