I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
