I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
