Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
