i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
